Soul Tsunami

30 Mar

Cyclone Winston flattened Koro Island, Fiji last month. Lower areas were flooded by huge waves, trees were stripped, and houses blew into hundreds of pieces. Forty four people didn’t make it out alive, most because of flying debris.

Back at home, three events occurred around me. Though not as serious as a cyclone, they sure felt like it—and one of these events was LITERALLY followed by a dream about an ocean storm! The debris hit me right in my tender spot. I’ll be honest—it doesn’t take much to bruise me there—it’s a spot that’s forever delicate. Like any vulnerability, it doesn’t take much to bring about further injury, and once the pain starts, it’s hard to stop.

There are times when that downward spiral has me twisted so tight, nothing can penetrate. That’s where I was headed when the debris started flying. I exploded, and then I cried and cried. Those tears washed over me and felt as though they would never stop. I had two dear friends with me who did just the right thing—they didn’t try to stop the tsunami, they just let the tears fall, holding my hands and assuring me it was okay to feel that way, that I could let the waves surge without fear.

The one realization that came out of the events was that I didn’t speak my mind when I began to have that tightness in my chest. I do this—I hold my tongue. I don’t know why. I have a voice. I have just as much right to use my words as anyone else. I matter as much as every other person here. Why is it, sometimes, I just can’t get myself to speak up? Why am I frozen in silence? I tell myself it’s better not to rock the boat. But here’s the thing. When you rock the boat, it makes waves. No one can know where those waves are going to go and what will be affected. They may bring destruction; they may wash something ashore. No matter what, this is the truth: destruction leads to rebirth. Cleansing leads to new growth.

kali_by_neutralie-d2bjxjb

Kali Ma—the goddess of change

Courtesy of http://ramamaya.blogspot.com/

What if I used my voice all the time?

What if I let the fear drip off and the words come out like the sun from behind the clouds?

Am I afraid no one would love me? Am I afraid I won’t like who I am?

I’m a sister, a daughter, a friend, a dancer, a runner, a writer…but WHO AM I? What am I all about? I know it’s in there…I must let the tsunami roar out of me, Naked and Afraid, but willing to be exposed.

What if I took a pause and thought about what I wanted, instead of pandering to those alongside me? Stood on top of my fear and spoke my mind, even if it wasn’t the popular decision? Many people that know me would probably say I rarely fit into the status quo, that I dodge convention in a multitude of ways, and that I appear confident doing so.

well-behaved-women-seldom-make-history-38

It’s true, I do embrace the weird, but I think this is only the outer shell of me. Deep inside, where the real Becky lies, I still have layer upon layer of hidden potential and a philosophy and moral center to uncover. I want to open my eyes—all three of them—and let that wall I’ve built crumble down and wash away in my tsunami…even if it means allowing my imperfect side out to play, crying in front of friends, or going against the grain.

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So.

What would be crushed in that tsunami?

What would be swept away?

What would be cleansed, fresh for the next adventure?

What would become whole again, bringing new life?

I ask you to explore this with me. Ask yourself, in your core, who are you? Who are the people who know the true you? What would they say? Do you have an outer shell that most people can’t penetrate? Please share your experiences or comments below.

 

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9 Responses to “Soul Tsunami”

  1. Miss Melissa (@Melissamchee) March 31, 2016 at 5:01 pm #

    Who you truly are is such a challenging question.

  2. Marlynn Jayme Schotland March 31, 2016 at 11:19 pm #

    Excellent prompts to get us thinking about who we really are. One of my favorite quotes is “Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”

    • beckydancer April 1, 2016 at 8:20 am #

      Oooh, I love that! Thank you for sharing!

  3. Jan R Loomis April 1, 2016 at 1:03 pm #

    Sounds to me like these are the thoughts as you enter middle age.

    How’s that wrist?

    I love you Beckie

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    • Becky April 1, 2016 at 4:55 pm #

      Middle age…come on, man. Give me until I’m at least 40!! Although you may have a point since I just had surgery on an overuse injury that probably shouldn’t have occurred until much later in life. Hmmm…wrist hurts still but I get my bandage off in a few days. After that I’m expecting miracles. Love you too, unc.

  4. Renée ♥ April 3, 2016 at 3:42 pm #

    Thought-provoking post. Having been inside the “middle-age bubble” for some time now, I’ve finally come to a place and time in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin in a way I never thought I could be. (Admittedly, part of that comfort comes from being able to go to the bathroom without kids pounding on the door.) I do think the important thing to always keep close is that we are all works in progress. Becoming is never “done.”

  5. Tammi Kale April 30, 2016 at 7:23 pm #

    Wonderful post! I have gone through phases in my life where I’ve used my voice at times that has come across as harsh, other times it’s came across as too passive – when in fact the passive stance in some situations is the right way to go to accomplish a positive result – if you can pull that off without seeming to be a manipulator! However, I’ve finally arrived at the point in my life where who I am speaks louder than my words. I mean in my circle of friends and peers, they know the standards I value and listen when I speak….I’ve finally learned to live constantly within the balance where I can use my voice and be heard. It is a freedom hard won and never taken for granted. And everyday I’m learning that, the challenge for me now that I do have a voice, is to daily pick and choose which battles to fight with the knowledge that I have gained. Very thought provoking post – Thanks! And I look forward to more with you!

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