Hanging On vs. Moving On

2 Aug

Sometimes the Universe is a subtle beast…I search and search for a sign to answer a prayer, and nothing comes. Last week was not one of those weeks. No, last week, the Universe decided to gut-punch me with messages. I’m having mixed feelings about this tough-love approach, but I can appreciate the art in the delivery. I am also very grateful for it.

As many of you know, I’ve been trying Match.com for the last few months. I’ve been going over in my head the reasons I joined:

  • I am looking for a partner.
  • I have trouble meeting the “right type” of men in bars/ at events.
  • Passive Portland Men. Enough said.
  • I am sick of my family harassing me.
  • I am starting to wonder what the deal is. Am I abnormal? (Ye gads! 32 and single?!) (Please be aware that I am invoking a sarcastic tone here.)
  • I’m pretty much Last Woman Standing when it comes to my friends and their marriage status.
  • And, oh yeah, I AM LOOKING FOR LOVE!!

Then, this thought creeps into my brain: what if I am truly not ready? Friends, advice columnists, and relatives are always telling me that unless I am fully ready in mind, body, and spirit, God/the Universe/Grace/the faeries/Mary Magdalene will not send me my true love. Agreed! However, I am in the prime of my life mentally and physically, so what’s the hold up?

This week, my subconscious gave me a few jolts that essentially told me to start really paying attention in this search for love.

Episode #1: The Dream

This dream was about the first man I spent any amount of romantic time with after I moved to Portland. It was an extremely passionate and somewhat unhealthy relationship, but it taught me a lot, and I don’t regret it. When I woke up from this dream, I was so shaken by it that I immediately wrote it down so I could reflect later. Following is what I wrote:

I went back to the old apartments where our affair took place. I was with HR’s sister, HJ. HR appeared to me one night. I saw his jacket in an empty apartment. HJ left, and I went up the stairs alone. He was there, waiting for me in the dark. He lay down on top of my body, the way he used to, using his whole weight. We talked about us, about the good times. His jacket crackled against my skin. I could smell him, feel him. He knew the tears that were on my face; he was in them. When he reached to brush them away, he became them. We shared our sacred moment and then it was time to go. It felt like we had laid there for a lifetime, memories casting into the dark like meteors. I knew I had to walk away, but it was truly painful. I somehow floated out of the pitch darkness and down to an equally dark parking lot. HJ found me in a confused crumpled state. She helped me as she could, the only way she could. She knew it was time to go as well. We drove away from there, but not before his wife appeared and saw her husband’s jacket inside my car. She said I had to let it go. She didn’t see his ghost inside it, wanting to stay with me. She didn’t smell his cologne and know our thousands of memories, but she was right, and she took it anyway. I left, feeling empty. But then all I saw was light!

So, it’s time to let go and move on. I haven’t thought about my relationship with HR in years, though I still have occasional contact with both he and his sister. I think my subconscious was trying to give me a big enough message that I would understand…like I said, it’s not about subtlety.

Episode #2:  First Contact

I was browsing on Match.com Tuesday, and happened to notice a man in my matches who I’d recently been involved with. Though we’re no longer involved romantically, we see each other at events and occasionally share a pleasant conversation with an easy rapport. I always suspected he wasn’t “the one,” but seeing his profile right in front of me prompted a typical womanly reaction—instant and superfluous jealousy, mixed with a bit of sadness. Show me a woman who hasn’t had a reaction like this from seeing an ex-lust object who has moved on, and I’ll show you a half-pig, half man with butterfly wings!

However. If you’ve been on Match before, you’d know that when you’re a paying member, you can see everyone who has looked at your profile. So I was stuck. I had to say something, or else look like a complete stalker. After about a half hour of typing, deleting, and typing more, I came up with the perfect, witty note to send. It was something along the lines of “The universe has some sense of humor to match us together, eh? Good luck in your search!” The last sentence was to show him that I wasn’t looking to “Match” up with him, that I merely wanted to let him know I wasn’t expecting an answer or a relationship. He did indeed write me back, a sincere note, even. I was shocked, and pleased. I was relieved that he didn’t come back with a sarcastic answer, or worse yet, no answer, but it was another clear signal from the Universe that it was time to look for the right one in greener pastures. (Although I’m sure his pasture is just the right color of green for some other lovely lady.)

Episode #3:  The Blog Post

I am a reader of a friend’s blog entitled Doc Blog, by Dr. Jeff. The author is a psychologist who lives in Portland and I thoroughly enjoy his posts. His posts range from topics about loving our whole self, forgiveness, tips for choosing a psychologist, “paying it forward” to create self-happiness, and other related themes. I hadn’t checked out his blog in a while. It’s on my Google reader, and sometimes I get lazy and don’t open it for several weeks. Last week I was destined to read it. I’m telling you, the Universe knows what’s up and how to give it to me straight. I clicked on a blog post entitled A one-minute method to help move past old hurts.” He has posted several of these one-minute themed posts, and they always seem to come at just the right time.

I’ll try to sum up the blog post eloquentlyif possible. You can also click on any of the links I have attached to this post, which will take you to the full website. (You should—he’s a great writer!) What Dr. Jeff is trying to explain here is that people tend to hang on to old wounds (like being hurt by a romantic partner or clinging to mother issues) and fear (like being afraid to open up to real love) because they are stalling. It’s an excuse not to move forward. Whether it’s because it’s their comfort zone (Pain can be a constant companion, and just because it hurts doesn’t make it any less familiar.) or because they are truly not finished dealing with the issue, Dr. Jeff suggests that we look at our lives, and take that needed step forward. Believe me, I am working on it! This post was an excellent reminder of the good work I am doing and what still needs to be done. It also told me that great things are coming my way, if I let them.

He left me with these words:

Take your minute. Use it to move yourself forward. Then tell yourself you are beautiful, strong, and capable. Because you are.

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6 Responses to “Hanging On vs. Moving On”

  1. Doctor Jeff (@doctor_jeff) August 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm #

    Thank you for the wonderful comments. I’m so happy that the post held some meaning for you!

    • beckydancer August 7, 2012 at 8:33 am #

      I truly value your blog, Dr. Jeff. Thanks for keeping it real!

  2. Angela August 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    Interesting post! I don’t know what to tell you except that I feel like you project an aura of strength and completeness around you. This is a great thing- but is it possible that the people you’re interested in will have a harder time than average knowing what you’re thinking unless you’re kind of blatant about it? This is an interesting thing about people, how they seem perfect on the outside- I have another friend I just found something like this out about. She’s single and I always thought she lived the perfect life, completely self directed, doing exactly what she wanted- but I talked to her recently and it turns out that all the time I was thinking that, she was lonely and actually kind of depressed inside. I had no idea- but if I had, I would have helped her in an instant.

    • beckydancer August 7, 2012 at 8:44 am #

      Angela, I really appreciate this comment. You’re right – I do project that aura, and most of the time I feel it comes from a source of strength. However…you’re not the first person who has suggested that I let a little vulnerability show. In my case, it’s not a depression I am trying to hide; it is simply that I don’t want to get hurt. I think it’s another example of that need to be perfect. Right now I am feeling more on top of my game than ever, but I constantly have to remind myself that it’s okay to not be 100% all of the time.

      Thank you for writing this comment! I am betting a lot of people feel this way.

  3. Maggie September 13, 2012 at 8:58 am #

    B, I know sometimes it gets rough, but I love that you are a strong, independent woman! Waiting to find that man that can appreciate that about you (and all your other charms!), isn’t a bad thing!
    Mags
    PS- I love you….that counts for something, right???

    • beckydancer September 14, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

      I’d much rather be a strong independent woman than an unhappy cling-on just to be able to say that I have a boyfriend. Forget that noise! I’m way too fabulous.

      And of course your love counts. I keep it with me always. 🙂

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