By now I assume you’ve heard about the escaped exotic animals in Zanesville, OH…Yep, that’s my hometown. And the animal preserve they escaped from is about five miles from my mom’s house. Now, I know it’s irrational to be truly worried about my mother’s safety, but she’s getting older, slower, and could be an easy target. I say this mostly in jest, but it’s one of those stories that will be incredibly sad when we get over laughing about the ridiculous nature of it—after all, most of the animals were killed (not tranquillized) for fear of interaction with humans.
But until then, we have humor. Following is the text message exchange between my sister and me this morning (spelling errors and all):
Becky: I know it’s probably dumb to worry but have you called mom to make sure she wasn’t eaten by a lion? I just have a vision of her asking it in for tea and then it eats her…
Sarah: Oh Jesus! That is too funny!
…U have outgoing calls on ur phone now right? LOL
B: What do you mean, outgoing calls? Is this part of the animal rampage?
S: Yes becky. It means, have you called mom?
B: Well yeah but I got the answering machine so I got worried!
S: She’s working you nitwit!
I don’t actually think your a nitwit but osn’t that a great word??
B: All the schools are closed you NITWIT!! because the animals are loose! Don’t you watch the news!
S: I heard about it. Didn’t know the schools were closed!!! Wow. That is serious. Now I need to look into it more.
B: How do I know more about this than you?
S: I heard a lil on the radio, but didn’t get to listen for long. Only in car on way to park and ride.
B: Well it’s all over Facebook and Twitter so I am totally connected. I am going to try her again.
She is probably at Zola’s making bear traps
S: OMG that is hilarious!!
B: What is Zola’s last name? Oh by the way the animal preserve is on 40 right near westside market. So, you know, pretty close to her. There are lots of juicy deer near moms house so if they are close to her I pray they eat the deer and not mom.
S: Lets hope so. Mom is getting boney anyway so she prob wouldn’t taste great. But she’s slow-moving so an easy target. I saw u & Kyle talking about it on FB.
B: Yeah old people are gamey.
S: Exactly, the animals will prob stop by Terry’s Tavern for wings or something.
B: If they get drunk enough they will tranquillize themselves! Easy cleanup.
S: You are a fool today! Lol
B: What can I say? When I am stressed I am a comedian!